Time feels different to me these days.

This week, the ER was my home for a day. It was scary. Really scary. And unfortunately, it wasn’t the only scary day I’ve had lately. There have been a lot of them. A lot of wondering. A lot of praying. A lot of trying to figure out what my body is doing and what comes next.

There is a possibility that “what comes next” could mean leaving home for a while and going into an inpatient setting where I can focus on healing my gut, nourishing my body, and hopefully getting stronger. I don’t know yet exactly what that will look like. But I am praying HARD for the right opportunity. I am praying for people who understand this complicated body of mine. And mostly, I am praying for healing.

So now I make the most of my time. Because even in the middle of all of this, there is so much LIFE happening around me.

TOT! Oh, this girl.

She’s matured so much this year, but somehow she has managed to hold onto this wonderfully childlike part of herself that I absolutely adore. She can handle an incredibly rigorous school day, come home and work for nearly THREE HOURS on homework…and then get completely absorbed in an LPS house.

And I LOVE THAT.

She earned that Littlest Pet Shop house, by the way. It was a prize for bringing up her math grade and basically KILLING IT academically. I don’t think I can adequately explain how proud I am of her.

Last year at PVCP, she had almost completely checked out. School had become something she was simply trying to get through, and some of her grades reflected that. I worried about her. A lot.

Fast-forward to this year.

She walked into Veritas which is a MUCH more rigorous school with harder classes, mountains of reading, notes, Algebra, Latin, and what sometimes feels like a completely unreasonable amount of homework. And this child is getting almost straight A’s.

ALMOST. STRAIGHT. A’S. (a few B’s but those are her HARD classes)

She is learning how to study. She’s persevering when things are hard. She’s growing up.

And then she comes home, pulls out her tiny little LPS animals, arranges their house, creates their world, and just…plays.

Please don’t ever lose that, Tot.

And then there’s Dad who brought home a DRONE.

Watching her stand in the middle of our living room, completely focused on keeping this glowing little contraption in the air, was just FUN.

My husband taking care of me…again and again and again. Making sure I’m Okay. Helping with whatever needs to be done.

And then, of course, there is Coopy.

My constant. He’s kinda like my Jesus.

He doesn’t understand diagnoses or ER visits or why Mom spends so much time resting. He just knows where I am. And that’s where he wants to be.

Maybe soon I’ll pack a bag and go somewhere for a while to get stronger. I pray that door opens if that’s where I’m supposed to be.

But today, I’m making the most of my time.

We just love him so much. I mean, so much.

Coopy is our cuddle. Our sanity saver. Our comforter. Our comic relief. Our little annoyance, and of course my little white shadow who has absolutely no concept of personal space.

Life has felt especially heavy lately, and somehow this little guy knows exactly what his job is. He doesn’t need to fix anything. He doesn’t need to understand anything. He just needs to be there.

And Coopy is VERY good at being there.

If I’m lying down, he’s there. If Tatum is in her room, he’s there. If we’re having a hard day, he’s there. If we’re laughing, he’s probably the reason we’re laughing.

And lately, he’s needed a little extra comforting himself. The paw licking has been relentless, so we’ve been trying everything we can to help him. At one point, he ended up wearing his little blue cone, looking thoroughly defeated by life.

A dog stretched out on the rug because he simply wants to be wherever we are.

He has no idea how much he helps hold ours together.

My little Coopy. I love you so.

We wouldn’t trade him for anything.

One of the things I love most about Tatum is her funness. Yes, I’m making that a word. She is growing up. She is in eighth grade. Her schoolwork is intense right now, and some nights she is sitting there for three hours doing homework, working so incredibly hard to keep up with everything being thrown at her. And yet, she still has this entire little world of toys.

Her Fuggler family is currently on her floor like some sort of little family pic.

There are stuffed animals and tiny babies and little trinkets and random treasures scattered everywhere. She loves clutter and chaos. I love that about her and the fact that I’m the DIRECT opposite is hilarious.

I think all of it makes her feel safe and cozy. Whatever works!
She is surrounded by things that make her smile. I completely embrace the part of herself that wants to play. She is never too old for toys.

And thank GOD she is never to old to tell me this:

And to take silly pics. (thank the LORD for filters)

And naturally, Cooper needs to be involved in absolutely everything. He is fascinated by whatever Tatum has going on; Cooper IS ALWAYS somewhere nearby investigating with US. (Especially protect Ollie!)

BUT, our poor boy has had his own struggles lately, too. He has been licking and licking and licking his paw, so right now we’re doing Benadryl with a little peanut butter twice a day and trying to help him feel better.

That pretty much sums up life around here lately. Everybody has something. We are doing our best. Tatum is carrying a tremendous school load. Cooper has his itchy paw. I am still trying to make the best of days that often don’t look anything like I want them to look.

And Doug continues to be my rock. He cares. He listens. He helps. He steadies this little family when things feel like too much. AND HE and TOT are BUILDING THEIR relationship. FOR THAT I am SO grateful.

And me? I cry out to God daily. Sometimes quite literally. God, please help me. Help her. Help us. Carry us through this day.

Maybe these things don’t look monumental from the outside, but right now, they are our life. LOVE overflows as messy as it gets.

My world has become very small. I think about that a lot, because life used to feel so big. Always places to go, things to do, things to clean and organize, friends to see…it was an ALWAYS thing. I could just go. I could participate in life.

I miss that more than I can say.

But right now, this is my world.

When your world gets small, you start noticing all the little things. LIKE…

I wake up knowing Jesus loves me. Yes the minute I wake up and I feel my body not happy, I know He loves me. Now, do I “feel” it? I wish. But, I do know He has me.

I may not understand what He is doing with this season. In fact, most of the time I don’t. But I know He hasn’t left me in it. I talk to Him constantly. I ask Him for strength. I ask Him for healing. I ask Him to help me make it through this day,

And then there is my Tatum. My literal person. Yes, she’s my daughter, but she’s also just…my person.

There really isn’t another way to explain it.

I feel so connected to her. She makes me laugh (and cry), but ultimately she’s my world. I hate to say it… but my friend.

And I know there are all kinds of opinions about moms calling their daughters their best friends, but I don’t mean that she isn’t my child and I am not her mother. I mean there is a friendship woven into our relationship that I treasure beyond words. I genuinely like being with her. I love talking to her. I love laughing with her. I love our weirdness, our little jokes, our car rides, our conversations, our ordinary moments. I LOVE HER.

My sweet Doug. OH what he has to see daily.

This man would do anything for me. (And I wish I could do ANYTHING for him…that is the grief). He wants to understand. He wants to know what I’m feeling. He wants to know what happened that day. He wants to know what he can do to make it a little easier. I cannot express how much I love him, and he loves me right where I am. He is the ONLY person who truly gets me and what I go through. That is a TRUE gift.

And then, of course, there are my animals.

Yes that is Coopy needing to be touching my leg at all times.

Apparently God knew that if I was going to spend this much time at home, I was going to need a furry little shadow following me from room to room.

He’s the most loyal dog in the entire world. That dog cannot STAND to be away from me. If I move, he moves. If I sit, he needs to be touching me. If someone or something is occupying the spot where he believes he belongs, he must be in the middle. He is a LOVE BUG!

And our birdies bring their own little personalities and noise and life into this house. They make us laugh.

Small doesn’t necessarily mean empty. Sometimes a very small life can hold an enormous amount of love.

I don’t want to pretend I’m perfectly content with it, though. I’m not. I want so much more. Is that wrong? But for now, I just sit in gratitude.

I have to believe God hears me, and in this small little life, I am deeply loved.

I keep praying for God to make my world bigger again someday, I will keep thanking Him for every beautiful thing He has placed inside the one I have now.

I’m sorry. What? These were my middle/high school and college years.. This was not the “oldies” to me. This was my dance, get down, know-every-word-to-every-song era. These songs are practically embedded in my DNA.

And now, somehow, they have made their way into Tatum’s.

She created a playlist for our drives to and from school called “8th grade morning.” And here’s the best part: she did this entirely on her own. I had nothing to do with it. No Mom influence.

Duran Duran. The Police. Tears for Fears. Queen. David Bowie. Wham! Peter Gabriel. Men Without Hats.

So now we’re driving and she’ll say, “Mom, guess this song.”

Pleeeeaaaaaaaazzzzzzz.

Within approximately one note:

“UNDER PRESSURE. Queen. (oh, And David Bowie).”

Or:

“SAFETY DANCE. Men Without Hats.”

I know these songs in a way that is probably concerning… Every note. Every little change in the singer’s voice. The guitar riff …the beat….that weird little background sound nobody else notices. I still have it in me. HOW is the real question!?

And Tatum LOVES testing me.

Honestly, it’s kind of mind-blowing that music I listened to when I was her age is no playing on our way to school.

Can we please discuss Duran Duran?

I dare admit publicly that I may have kissed their poster goodnight. NIGHTLY. Yes, I was a wee bit  O.B.S.E.S.S.E.D.

So when Duran Duran comes blasting through the car speakers now, there is a part of teenage Steph who is VERY much alive and well.

Tatum now gleefully announces: I LOVE 80’S MUSIC!

And your mother has been waiting approximately 40 years for this moment.

They remind me of school dances, posters on bedroom walls, friends, driving around, college, and an entirely different version of myself. Oh, I miss that me.

For her, they’ll remind her of eighth grade mornings which we need when we are both struggling to feel good.

I am very grateful.

Sunday started out not so great. Tatum wasn’t feeling so hot, so Doug headed out to Five Below and came home armed with goodies. Soon the kitchen counter was completely taken over and the two of them were SLIMING. FOR HOURS.

It was such a hit. He knows his girl.

The first full week of school is now officially happening, and I think we are all learning that middle school at Veritas is A LOT.

Not bad. Not wrong. Just…a lot.

Tatum is up at 4:50 in the morning. We are out the door by 7:00. She gets home around 3:45, and then there are usually at least two hours of homework waiting for her. Math is more challenging this year. There is so much reading. So much note-taking. So much sitting and listening and moving from one thing to the next. It is completely different from what she is used to.

She is handling it. But many nights she has to break down. I’m so grateful I can be her person. Dad even pitched in and saved Monday with….

Yes..truly brilliant. He is so good to us.

What she wants more than anything right now is simply time to make friends. And at Veritas, there isn’t much of that built into the day. Classes are classes. The hallways are packed with around 1,000 students from sixth through twelfth grade. Lunch is twenty minutes. Then you are moving again. For a kid entering a brand-new school, that is quite an adjustment.

So our mornings are quite hectic (Oh, and I’m barely hanging on). Before we head out, she curls up in the chair with Coopy beside her and does her Latin on Duolingo. That makes my day.

But…then there was Friday. The shoe situation.

Veritas requires black shoes, and Tatum decided hers needed washing. (on Thursday after school).

As we left on Friday am, she forgot that they were STILL in the washing machine.

They were absolutely sopping wet.

We put them on the dashboard on the drive to school with great hopes that the Arizona sun would perform some kind of miracle.

Nope.

So she eventually had to put those soaking-wet shoes on her feet, which immediately turned into soaking-wet socks, and off she went into school. (after a few tears)

Ugh…this Friday. With tests too.

Meanwhile, Cooper continues to understand his role perfectly. Give the people emotional support stuffed animals. Give Coopy a bone. Then everybody find a couch, watch something together and recover.

Just where we are right now. Dad has his own work stuff. I am in the middle of some tough tough health days….

and WE ARE ALL learning completely new school/ways/routines. Every day, Tatum gets in the car and says she missed me and hugs me. That makes it all kinda worth it (at least for me).

We are all learning how to make the best of all of it.

BUT I see her doing it….getting up. Powering through her homework. Trying hard to keep up. No, it’s NOT perfect and NOT easy. But we have our Jesus. and EACH other.

Tomorrow, my girl starts 8th grade. I’m not quite sure how we got here so fast.

Yesterday was orientation at Veritas, and let me tell you… it was pure chaos. People everywhere. Parents trying to figure out where they were supposed to go. Kids trying to take it all in.

And probably not the ideal day for me to tackle all of that because the day before had been my colonoscopy/endoscopy adventure.

And by adventure, I mean… the prep was HORRIFIC.

There are before pictures and after pictures, and I’m pretty sure they tell the entire story. Ha. But my Jesus shirt definitely helped.

But my Tot and my wonderful HHH were absolutely amazing through all of it. They took care of me, checked on me, loved on me, and helped me get through another not-so-fun medical day.

So by orientation, I was definitely not operating at 100%.

And Tatum? Well, Tatum was overstimulated. New school. New people. Lots of noise. Lots of instructions. Lots of bodies moving everywhere. So many things to process at once.

All things were a little tough. But you know what? We powered through. She got her schedule and her locker…..and found out her house. She’s in Newton House because Veritas divides the students into different “houses,” which I think is such a fun part of the school.

And BEST OF ALL?

She has classes with a dear friend.

Thank you, Jesus.

Then she blinged her pencil because an ordinary pencil would not do.

After all the chaos, we came home, Coopy got a bath, and oh did he love it!

The birds hung out with us.

Coopy resumed his normal position of needing to be wherever his people are, and we just got to BEEEEEEE.

Sometimes home is exactly what you need after a day when your nervous system has had ENOUGH.

I got her a little goody for her first day. I heart is surrounded by wings. God is watching her and protecting her.

And now tomorrow morning, she walks into a brand-new school year.

She’s ready. And we are all trusting God with what comes next.

I am so incredibly proud of you.